The Art of Suicide

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I’m not sad, sappy or sober. It’s just that I’ve been through a wonderful heavy reading chapter and I found something as creative as the art of suicide. I used to be alive and so beautiful inside as g.alipe may sing it in safety in numbers,embrace. Now I’ve gone my way, I am now an open book with new leaf coz something’s filling me in.

It’s a good feeling when you wake up with a tingling sensation, knowing that there is and you have that someone you can talk to about the mundane details of your day and they’re genuinely interested. You have that someone with the same craziness as yours. You feel accepted as you are. You feel appreciated for the little things you do and value. You feel a connection with that someone.

Daydreaming has been your hobby. Flying because of happy thoughts and romantic fantasies. Tears and laughter shared. Serious talks and life incoherence reflected. Shortcomings are forgiven along with the embrace of your imperfections.

There is no better feeling.

You are being vulnerable having that soft spot that someone can use as the entry way into your being. You become to be not afraid of that someone that will push you off the edge. You argue over little things and misunderstandings. You have fights that make you understand each other and know yourself better.

You have sleepless nights. You spend empty batteries and waste time and money.

There is no better feeling. (Posted on Into the Porch as Happy Thoughts, November 25, 2006)

You have pictures together, ate in food stalls, toured museums, walked and walked and walked, shared soda, exchanged glances and letters.

The happy thought about it is if only you have that someone…if there will ever be that someone…you’d be happy and the very sad part about it is when actually, there was someone and you let it go. Or you simply let everything eat you alive with your hidden bravery. Another sad part about it is when you see things differently, you speak with passion, the words you utter makes you stutter…you sing love songs, cheesy, mushy and songs for the valentine’s. You are being not fearful knowing someone’s on your side, your very best and true friend whose always there to support you. Someone who knows you inside and out, someone who has been there for you through ups and down, someone who knows what makes you laugh and what makes you cry, someone who...cares.

You see the perfect someone with your very best friend. You don’t see that as soon as you get on to the next step, your friend is not anymore your friend, s/he will turn into someone you never knew at all, someone you never knew existed, someone who will either push you away or embrace you oh so tightly. Someone you didn’t expect can make you sick, someone who defines absence as a punishment and her existence as paradise. Someone who has a huge crush not on you, someone who wants to be your very best friend, forever.